I started the Couch to 5k program again tonight. It’s been since September of last year that I’ve run at all. So it’s been a while to say the least. Since September, we went on the trip of a life time, had holidays with friends and family, experienced a close friend have a baby, got pregnant with our first baby, felt that excitement for ourselves and at least 5 other close friends this winter/spring, felt the pain and emptiness of our family journey end, and got to see two close friends begin a relationship together that satisfies our souls for their future.
So needless to say, starting Week 1, Day 1 means more than just running. I’ve gained 22 pounds back from the 50 I lost last year. 11 of that was from Paris and the holidays and 12 was from my time being pregnant. While I was out running tonight, I had a bit of an epiphany. People throw that term around too much, for emphasis no doubt, and I’m among that number. I realized why people get fat. I could say that with more tact, but I tried a few sentences and they all sounded stupid. And I should clarify by “people” I mean me.
Two weeks ago on Tuesday, we received the news that we’d lost our baby. Don’t worry, this won’t get too uncomfortable. I was pretty much robotic about it and my first thought was honestly about conversations I’d had with God during my pregnancy that this was in His hands and however long He decided to bless me with this experience, I’d accept it. After that first thought, I went through a few crazy ones that I felt then but don’t now, and didn’t cry for a few hours. Just got the information, processed it, held Matt’s hand and took the next few steps toward the difficult decisions we would have to make. It wasn’t until I was put through physical pain in my prep procedure that I cried. Physical pain reduces you to that sad child on the sidewalk with a skinned knee. To that vulnerable child that falls and then promptly looks around for someone to console him. This vulnerability took down my adult tough-gal walls and I wept. Throughout those next few days, I was able to cry as much as I needed to and I think that first feeling of pain was what made it possible for me. Through all our times crying, after each I felt more renewed and a little less pitiful.
So while I began the running program tonight, I was hardened off. I thought, “This will suck but I’ve done it before so let’s do this.” While I was in the second or third running stretch, I felt some pain in my legs and I welled up with tears. I started to feel sorry for myself, for my situation, for the past couple weeks, for everything. And I realized that this was precisely why I’d gained back some weight. You don’t feel a thing when you’re just sitting around, when you expend little energy, when you don’t push yourself. You sit blissfully numb. Where there’s no pain, there’s no crying and for some, becoming unhealthy is worth it to spare those raw feelings that seem so hard to bear. I realize for others, there may be different reasons, but for me, this is it. Physical pain brings up a lot of stuff that you may or may not want to deal with. For me, it conjured up all the ways I felt deficient. It’s hard to deal with that, but I know that each time I get out there, suck it up and go through the pain, that I will heal. I’ll heal my body of what it went through, I’ll heal my body from the sickness of being overweight, and my mind from the pain of thinking about things I can’t control.
So here’s to Week 1, Day 1. Starting over…